Mental Health Wrestle

How do you balance mental health, medication, and eternal progression? I wrestled with this question for years, and it all came to a head during General Conference. 

A little background…

Motherhood has a way of showing you the chinks in your armor. For me, that was ADHD and unhealed trauma from childhood. Being diagnosed with ADHD in your 30s is wild because you start to look back at your life for all the signs. I wasn’t just sensitive; it was ADHD rejection sensitivity. I wasn’t just chatty; I had no impulse control. It wasn’t just anxiety; my brain moved too fast and spiralled into dark places quickly. It wasn’t just picking my eyelashes and eyebrows out; I was struggling with OCD tendencies often correlated with ADHD. This is a small sample of the symptoms I dealt with. These, and the many other symptoms, were problematic, mostly because I was the youngest child in a highly critical family with a cynical, sarcastic sense of humor. 

I have a great family, but no one is perfect. They were all doing the best they could, and have grown tremendously over the years. I love them, and I realize that much of my perception of them from childhood was shaped by that rejection sensitivity. 

Fast forward…

Three children (two with official ADHD diagnoses, one being retested for autism per the doctor’s suggestion, and one too young to test, but we’re pretty sure…IYKYK) and I found myself in a mental health crisis. I was taking a full course load of college credits and pregnant with my third child when my mind and body shut down overnight. It was like I woke up one morning and could no longer function. I hadn’t experienced depression like that in years. For it to come on so quickly, I knew it had to be chemically related to my pregnancy, and decided to go on a low-dose anti-anxiety/depression medication with every intention of discontinuing use after my hormones evened out. 

As a former drug addict, I don’t take the use of medication lightly. I try to be very cognizant of any sign of dependence on a substance to avoid difficult situations. I believe in discomfort as a stimulant for growth. Resistance strengthens muscles, fire purifies metal, and hardships sanctify God’s children. Please don’t misunderstand. There are cases, many cases, where medication is necessary for mental health. However, I (personally, not as a representative of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) feel that often, medication is overused and robs us of growth opportunities. That is why I chose not to take ADHD medication after receiving a diagnosis. I prayed about it and felt like my ADHD was a gift in so many ways. Taking medication would be like rejecting a gift from God. And again, I cannot stress enough that this is my own personal belief for my specific situation, and I would never judge anyone else for their decision to take medication.

It was a full year and a half before my first attempt to come off my antidepressant. It was a disaster. My temper flared uncontrollably with my children. Knowing how my actions would be perceived by children with ADHD, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be a good mom for them. The last thing I wanted was my own damage to harm my relationship with my children, so I went back on the medicine. It worked for a while, but I started to resent it. I couldn’t feel the Spirit in the same way, my empathy was dulled, and it wasn’t as effective. I felt like I needed to stop, but I was afraid that my temper would flare again. If ADHD were to blame for my temper, then maybe switching to ADHD medication would help me stop the antidepressant without being a bad mom. So I switched. I weaned very slowly off my antidepressant and started a stimulant. Then the stimulant was backordered for over a week, and I was sent into a tailspin. 

Let me reassure you that every step of this journey was done prayerfully, but at this last step, I was having a prolonged Enos moment. I was wrestling before the Lord, desperate for an answer to all of this. 

General Conference

This was the question I took into my preparation for General Conference. I love, LOVE, LOVE! General Conference. Truly. I look for recurring themes that inform the guidance for the church as a whole and individual bites that are just for me. I even get together with a small group of friends to study the talks through Inklings Institute once a month. I love it! But that Saturday rolled around, and I felt nothing. The nothingness made me sad. Then Sunday came, and I missed the nothingness. Because now, I felt chastised. For four hours, I felt as though the Lord was telling me exactly where I was failing… motherhood. 

Elder Soares’s talk about Temperance was a punch straight to the gut. I texted my friend and told her, “I don’t think I can do it without medication.” For someone like me, who doesn’t want to take medication, I felt like this was an absolute defeat. I felt weak. Then, right at the end of that same session, President Eyering lays out my exact feelings discussed earlier about how hardship sanctifies us as we walk with God. Now I was mad. Mad because I didn’t know how to do it. Mad because I had tried so many times to be the type of mom I wanted to be without the use of medication and failed. Mad because the Spirit had already (not so gently) pointed out to me that I had a temper problem. Mad because no amount of diagnoses, therapy, medication, prayer, or will-power had brought me success. 

The spiritual onslaught continued through the final session. Immediately after the benediction, I went to my room and fell to my knees. I cried to the Lord, again, no holds barred. I let Him know all of my frustrations and begged to know what the problem was: ADHD, trauma, stress, hormones? 

AH! Something clicked when I brought up hormones. You see, about 6 months ago, I had a prompting to focus on gratitude for my body as a gift from Heavenly Father. I have many health issues and have been in a lifelong battle with my body. I started healing my relationship with my body emotionally and caring for it properly. One of the strategies used was intermittent fasting. I found that while I practiced this, my blood sugar and hormones balanced out. I was doing better. Then life got crazy, as it always does, and I fell off the wagon. As I poured out my heart to God in prayer, this was what the Spirit called to my attention. He had given me the answer months ago, but like a child, I made excuses, said I couldn’t do it, claimed it was too hard, and complained when Heavenly Father refused to let me give up. So I’m recommitting! I’m doing a deep dive into the Word of Wisdom and will document my journey on my socials. I invite anyone who may be struggling with their relationship with their body to come with me on my journey. Maybe the Spirit will teach you where you need to focus to improve.